I don’t know how to start this post. There had been a lot of things going through my mind now for the last 3 hours. Different emotions coursing through my system and I wish I was that heartless in order not to feel anything.
Heartbroken. Me and my youngest sister are in no speaking terms for the last 3 months. All because during our verbal fight she told me that I wasn’t a good sister (I guess I’m the only one who knows how much I tried to be the best). I’m inadequate and to think that I was very fond of her, I thought of all of them, she should be the one to notice it. So the hurt was much greater and being me, I withdrawn. That’s how I cope when I’m hurt. I pretend that that person who hurt me doesn’t exist. I don’t talk to them or acknowledge their presence. That way, they won’t have the chance to hurt me the second time. It’s very easy for me to do. Since I don’t mind being alone. In my sister’s case, I just gave her what she complains about. She said she envied her friends’ sisters. Fine then, she can have them for a sister if I’m not enough.
Shock. Before our fight, I’ve always thought of my youngest sister as innocent, fun loving, care free and childish. That’s why I always wanted to help her, give her support and advices. When my mom had enough of her dancing, I was there supporting her and reasoning with
my mom. Then during our fight, I saw a different person. She was—I don’t know how to describe it. She’s just opposite of everything I thought and loved about her. It’s like I was looking at a person who I don’t know! After that, I can’t figure out what to make of the impression I have of her now. The fun loving, childish, innocent and care free girl I know is no more. Who’s this person?! When I see her now, all I see is a facade.
Anger. This is for the person who I loathe in our home. Who else but my aunt! She’s really not good at consoling anyone or make things right. She’s like this foul smelling gas that you when you put in a fire, you’ll just make it bigger. When my mom found out that me and my youngest sister were not speaking to each other she got angry and even threatened us to pack our staff and leave the house (I’m not afraid). So my mom can’t figure out why’s my attitud
e’s like that. This wasn’t the first time I didn’t speak to anyone. There was my other sister and cousin. I didn’t speak to them for one whole year in two different times. What my aunt said was have my mom let me speak to a psychiatrist! Are you fucking kidding me you stupid idiot?! I’m not a mental case you waste of space! I was really offended by that. When I tried to explain my attitude to my mom, she doesn’t hear any of it. She already made up her mind that I’m awful so she always says that I shouldn’t be like this or like that instead of understanding me.
Pride. I really felt awful and bad about making my mom cry tonight. I’m sure I’l
l make up for it in the future. I can’t guarantee that she won’t have any heartaches or disappointments when it comes to me but I’ll sure try my best to avoid it. Anyway, I’m a proud person. I’m a cry baby and everyone knows that. I’m not ashamed to admit it but when it comes to confrontations I hate crying that’s why I stay quiet instead and let my silence do the talking. When I have a cool head, that’s when I open up. I cried when I and my youngest sister argued, I cried when my mom scolded us. But this time, I tried not crying even though my mom crying put it on a close call. Instead, I thought about what I’m going to wear tomorrow. Me looking indifferent at that time may have justified my mom calling me awful and evil and having a heart of stone. She did call me heartless. Should I rejoice?
Shame. One of my aunt texted me “Is there anything wrong? U can talk to me.” I appreciate the concern but it was so unnecessary. I love it that my mom gets the chance to unload her ill feelings towards me by talking to my aunt. For sure, my aunt wouldn’t know about me having a problem if my mom didn’t VOLUNTARILY confide in her. At least my mom won’t be feeling the same as I am. Now for sure, the word will spread that I’m the devil sister, the cold one, the one who doesn’t speak to whom she’s angry even if it’s her sisters/cousin. I’ll be the talk of the family!
All my feelings, have been unburdened by this blog and to some close friends who doesn’t judge me. They’re the ones who I can talk to about this kind of stuff. It should be my family but they’re not open to seeing the bad side of anyone. Just like me getting a shock when I saw the other side of my sister. Maybe that’s the reason why my youngest sister had a boyfriend behind everyone’s back and didn’t have the guts to tell it to us. Or why my brother keeps a dark secret (just found out unexpectedly last month). Wonder what my other sister keeps from us?
No comments:
Post a Comment