Medical Ward

It's been a week and my body's sore and I hurt all over. But it's a good hurt, not because I'm a masochist but because it tells me that I had a fulfilling week. So my ranting about fate choosing my area of training could be a little off. Nothing happens by chance. I'm now assigned to the medical ward, San Juan Unit. The 33.3% probability of me training there was dead on. Statistics haven't failed me yet. I'm working with two nice guys. I mean 1 nice guy and 1 nice gay. LOL Yeah, we're a good team and we love helping each other and our enthusiasm for learning is evident. Couldn't have asked for better co-trainees. There's Daniel, the gay one. He's very obsessive compulsive, making our work more neat, organized and eye friendly. Then there's Tons who's so smart, so if ever we don't know anything, he helps us out. Then me. I guess what I can contribute to the team is that I'm a fast worker and being a graduate of San Juan de Dios College, I'm familiar with the whole set up. Well that's just according to me. Don't know what those two think.

I learned a lot specially when it comes to the rationale and relationships of the medicines given to the patient. I admire all of my senior staff nurses there. They seem to know everything, about the condition of the patient and the reasons behind everything they do. The medical ward is a good place for someone like me who wants to make sense out of everything. Hopefully I would get a chance to be deployed there. There's only one vacancy for that unit though. Sad really. We're hoping we're all getting deployed there. For now, I guess, I have 35% chances of getting in, Tons have 45% and Daniel 20%. But that's me talking again.

But I'm kinda worried now. I did something without telling my preceptors hoping that they'll miss it. Though I doubt it. We had an expired patient and I confusingly put another patient's vital signs on her chart. The 12pm column shouldn't have any readings but there it is. I was suppose to replace the sheet but there were already a lot of readings there, it might be too confusing and I might get some wrong. Hopefully it's okay since the patient already died, but questions could still be raised on how she had normal vital signs on the time of her death. Except of course for her respirations which have been abnormal since the morning. At least I got that one right. ugh... Hopefully tomorrow Monday, all is forgotten, or unnoticed and I could resume a worry free time forever again in San Juan de Dios.

So if ever they found out, I guess my chances will drop to to 30%, then Tons will have now 47.5% and Daniel 22.5%. *sigh

Give me a Heart of Stone

I don’t know how to start this post. There had been a lot of things going through my mind now for the last 3 hours. Different emotions coursing through my system and I wish I was that heartless in order not to feel anything.

Heartbroken. Me and my youngest sister are in no speaking terms for the last 3 months. All because during our verbal fight she told me that I wasn’t a good sister (I guess I’m the only one who knows how much I tried to be the best). I’m inadequate and to think that I was very fond of her, I thought of all of them, she should be the one to notice it. So the hurt was much greater and being me, I withdrawn. That’s how I cope when I’m hurt. I pretend that that person who hurt me doesn’t exist. I don’t talk to them or acknowledge their presence. That way, they won’t have the chance to hurt me the second time. It’s very easy for me to do. Since I don’t mind being alone. In my sister’s case, I just gave her what she complains about. She said she envied her friends’ sisters. Fine then, she can have them for a sister if I’m not enough.

Shock. Before our fight, I’ve always thought of my youngest sister as innocent, fun loving, care free and childish. That’s why I always wanted to help her, give her support and advices. When my mom had enough of her dancing, I was there supporting her and reasoning with

my mom. Then during our fight, I saw a different person. She was—I don’t know how to describe it. She’s just opposite of everything I thought and loved about her. It’s like I was looking at a person who I don’t know! After that, I can’t figure out what to make of the impression I have of her now. The fun loving, childish, innocent and care free girl I know is no more. Who’s this person?! When I see her now, all I see is a facade.

Anger. This is for the person who I loathe in our home. Who else but my aunt! She’s really not good at consoling anyone or make things right. She’s like this foul smelling gas that you when you put in a fire, you’ll just make it bigger. When my mom found out that me and my youngest sister were not speaking to each other she got angry and even threatened us to pack our staff and leave the house (I’m not afraid). So my mom can’t figure out why’s my attitud

e’s like that. This wasn’t the first time I didn’t speak to anyone. There was my other sister and cousin. I didn’t speak to them for one whole year in two different times. What my aunt said was have my mom let me speak to a psychiatrist! Are you fucking kidding me you stupid idiot?! I’m not a mental case you waste of space! I was really offended by that. When I tried to explain my attitude to my mom, she doesn’t hear any of it. She already made up her mind that I’m awful so she always says that I shouldn’t be like this or like that instead of understanding me.

Pride. I really felt awful and bad about making my mom cry tonight. I’m sure I’l

l make up for it in the future. I can’t guarantee that she won’t have any heartaches or disappointments when it comes to me but I’ll sure try my best to avoid it. Anyway, I’m a proud person. I’m a cry baby and everyone knows that. I’m not ashamed to admit it but when it comes to confrontations I hate crying that’s why I stay quiet instead and let my silence do the talking. When I have a cool head, that’s when I open up. I cried when I and my youngest sister argued, I cried when my mom scolded us. But this time, I tried not crying even though my mom crying put it on a close call. Instead, I thought about what I’m going to wear tomorrow. Me looking indifferent at that time may have justified my mom calling me awful and evil and having a heart of stone. She did call me heartless. Should I rejoice?

Shame. One of my aunt texted me “Is there anything wrong? U can talk to me.” I appreciate the concern but it was so unnecessary. I love it that my mom gets the chance to unload her ill feelings towards me by talking to my aunt. For sure, my aunt wouldn’t know about me having a problem if my mom didn’t VOLUNTARILY confide in her. At least my mom won’t be feeling the same as I am. Now for sure, the word will spread that I’m the devil sister, the cold one, the one who doesn’t speak to whom she’s angry even if it’s her sisters/cousin. I’ll be the talk of the family!

All my feelings, have been unburdened by this blog and to some close friends who doesn’t judge me. They’re the ones who I can talk to about this kind of stuff. It should be my family but they’re not open to seeing the bad side of anyone. Just like me getting a shock when I saw the other side of my sister. Maybe that’s the reason why my youngest sister had a boyfriend behind everyone’s back and didn’t have the guts to tell it to us. Or why my brother keeps a dark secret (just found out unexpectedly last month). Wonder what my other sister keeps from us?

Success through Failure (hopefully)

I have considered myself as a “passer”. I may not be a top notcher when it comes to exams of any kind but I have no problems in passing. So I’m just your average girl, someone who never fails, but at the same time, someone who’s also not an achiever. My grades blend well among others. It never stood out whether for wrong reasons or right ones. It’s just there.

Though my grades are ok, I was satisfied with it. I did t

ake my board exam once, passed my IELTS after one take and I did graduate on time. I have always thought that I know I can be more or that I could excel but I chose not to. That’s how smug I am. I’m always the best every first chances. During every first semester in college, I excelled in every exam. My name at times always gets called for having the highest grade. But after awhile, when I’ve already established that I am smart, I tend to fall back and blend. My grades from excellent will now turn to mediocre. That’s because I know that if I want to, I can be #1.

Now that I’m having my training at San Juan de Dios along 87 other people, having the better grades is a must! It has become a competition. They’re looking for the “cream of the crop”. There is an 80% mark that we all should achieve or above it in order to get in. Else, it’s time to find another hospital. Being a San Juan de Dios College graduate, I knew it’s going be a piece of cake! I knew everything about the hospital, heck I’ve spent 2 and a half years of my clinical exposure there.

But looks like I have to work extra hard. I have failed lots of my exams and It’s not like me since (1) I know that I’m a passer but I don’t even settle f9r the boarder line grade. (2) New people, new instructors, new environment, I should be impressing people by now! Looks like I have to learn humility and the importance of hard work now.

During my first week, I have to admit that I had a poor attention span because of my withdrawal case of Casey James. My head’s up in the clouds and I day dream most of the time. But during one major exam, I did study overnight but nothing-I failed. My excuse for that time was that I was so used to treating multiple choice types of questions like it’s a puzzle. Looking for clues why an option is wrong (a technique to learn to pass board exams) instead of understanding the question head on. We did an exam now about drug dosage computations and I’m so good at that during college! I consider myself as a mathematician, I love numbers, how they add up and how the formulas make sense. But again-failed!

Even though I’m frustrated and disappointed, I know I have to set that aside and think positively. Hopefully writing all it here in my blog will help me move on. I just have to study harder and shouldn’t take this opportunity lightly just because I’m a graduate of the hospital’s college. I should work double time since I have been idle for one year. I know all of these failures will be my tools in building a bridge to my path.

Fate?

I'm now into my Intensive Critical Training (ICT). Few more months and officially I'll be a staff nurse at San Juan de Dios Hospital!! =) But it seems like i'm not going to be working at the ward that I chose. Fate seems to be doing it for me.

We were asked to write down top 3 areas where we would like to be assigned. I'm the kind of person who still doesn't know what I want but of course I have some ideas where I'd like to be more than some. I chose, San Juan Unit which is a medical ward, Hemodialysis Unit and Emergency Service Unit. My first choice, SJU, is where I know I could learn a lot about Infectious diseases. Hemodialysis is where I have always dreamed of working since there's nothing much to do there. Just set up the machine and done! Last the ER. It's very challenging and there's a nice ring to it if you say to others that "I'm an ER nurse!". I have three choices! There's a 33.3% probability that I will be assigned to any one of these areas. But NO! It looks like I'll be at a Pediatrics ward or OB-Gyne ward.

I did thought about working at a OB-Gyne ward just because I like the uniform there. They wore scrub suits instead of the white nurse's uniform which are very tight and hot to wear. Plus, it's like an all girls area. No men allowed. You get the idea. So pretty much I won't be conscious with myself and I don't have to wear too much concealers (I got zits)! It's just being like in an all girls school again, except that it's smelly and a lot of distorted vagina! Pediatrics ward? No way! I like kids, but just playing with them or teasing them until they cry. I don't have much patience with them. Plus, my brother's already a Pediatrics staff nurse!

Everything about San Juan de Dios is like fate telling me something. The time when I inquired there, they said that there was no hiring. I was about to leave when I run to my clinical instructor, who I considered one of my closest instructors. She asked me what I was doing there and I told her about me inquiring but the hospital's not yet hiring. She told me to give her my resume and she'll pass it to the HR department! What luck! Just when I was about to leave! One month after that, I got a phone call from the hospital and was scheduled for an examination!

This is where my second encounter with fate: I have been studying for my NCLEX since I never thought the hospital will be calling me immediately. I was into reviewing about nursing abbreviations and the different transmissions of specific diseases. Whaddya know?! These were the topics that consists the exam!

Maybe me being put to the OB-Gyne ward or Pediatrics ward (I prefer the former) is another way of fate telling me that this is where I'm suppose to be. Fate has never let me down, I did what I'm suppose to do anyways--I chose three areas but I was place somewhere that's not on my list. Any ways, if these are where I'm gonna be place, heck, I'll be the best OB nurse or Pediatrics nurse the hospital's gonna get! Fate might have put me on the right track, and if I don't do anything there's a chance that I might get run over.

I am where I'm suppose to be and I'm gonna make the best of it!

Back Home

Yup, just got back last night. Meant to do that so that no one would bother me if I got home. My grandfather and uncle visited us and had stayed in our home for three days since Friday night and they just left this morning. That's one of the reasons why I went to the dormitory. I don't feel like entertaining anyone. You know, ask them how they're doing when I really don't care. It's all a facade, a role I have to play when someone visits and I don't like pretending. So I just left instead. Else, my mom will get mad at me for not being a hospitable host. Really, I don't want anyone in our home. It's the only place where I can be free, do anything I want but now it's infested and I can no longer do those things. My home is the place where I get to relax with my family, rest a bit, enjoy a slow day and be all lazy after a whole week of training, but where can I rest now that people are hanging inside my room or hogging the tee-vee or just present everywhere in the house? Of course, I am forced to speak to them just so they think they're welcome.

This morning, I was half awake and I saw my uncle going inside my room and using my bathroom? WTF?! It's girl's room for crying out loud! Why didn't he used my brother's bathroom? See, it sucks that the only privacy respected in our house is my brother's!

And now, just writing this, my aunt and cousin are arguing about nothing! They just like to shout at each other pretty much everyday. It's very embarrassing cause the neighbors can hear them. It's very scandalous and since my aunt is very thick skinned, she doesn't care about what others would think. It would have been an admirable trait if only what she's doing doesn't affect other people (like my mom's reputation) or what she's doing is okay. Hell, she's shouting at her kid for the most unreasonable thing!

WELCOME HOME!

Beauty

This is an excerpt taken from the book "Eleven Minutes" by Paolo Coelho page 17

The power of beauty: what must be the world like for ugly women? She had some girlfriends who no one ever noticed at parties or who men were never interested in. Incredible though it might seem, these girls placed far greater value on the little love they received, suffered in silence when they were rejected and tried to face the future by looking for other things beyond getting all dressed up for someone else. They were more independent, took more interest in themselves, although, in Maria's imagination, the world for them must be unbearable.

I look at pretty woman who men drool over, and despite the smiles and compliments they received from men, they would never be satisfied in themselves or others. They would be in constant mindset that they have to be beautiful all the time, else, people will be turned off or get disappointment at them. Everyone's attention is towards those who are beautiful and thus they are always under the public's scrutiny, always awaiting for them to make a mistake in order to assure the onlookers that they're not all that. Being beautiful has it's advantages, they get more opportunities but also envy from other girls. It's also hard to know, if a guy is interested in you just because of your beauty. I think even though these girls make a fool of themselves, it will always be alright just so they can have her as an arm candy and be the envy of other men. Envy seems to go hand in hand with being beautiful. Unlike Maria. I think the world is more unbearable for the beautiful woman.

I for one am not beautiful and I love the freedom it offers. I can always be myself and people see me more as me. I don't have to think about impressing anyone or keep up the idea they have of me. I may be invisible to other people, but that's the beauty of it.

Need to get away

It's funny how history repeats itself. It was just last year around this time of the month that I wrote the "post". I guess I'll be writing the same type of post every year since it's usually March to June that my aunt stays at our home. I really don't think I have the patience to tell the whole story why she's staying. Having the family together is not one of it.

She's has little money, so in order for her to save for rent (she doesn't have her own house), food and electricity, she stays with us. Sure no problem, but I can't take it that my mom's shouldering all of it. Our water and electricity bill increases every time she's with us. My mom have difficulties budgeting the expenses now cause she has to add into the budget my aunt and my cousin's expenses. And what does my aunt do with the little money she has? Uhmmm watch a movie at the mall, buy new clothes or unnecessary stuffs. It would have been easier to accept her if she saved the money to buy for her medicines (she's sick with cancer). My mom actually is the one who buys her medicines, not only that she also has to lend my aunt money for who knows what! And of course, she doesn't pay my mom back. I actually don't know what'll happen to my aunt without my mom. I guess she's lucky to have my mom cause it seems no one else would like to babysit her as much.

I wouldn't have mind if she stayed for a year in our home. I guess with her in our house, I don't have my space. She stays in my room and every time she does, it's no longer my room but hers! Even though at times she stays with us for the weekend, she always manages to make my room hers! That's what I'm so frustrated about!! Her bed is in my room since she doesn't want to throw it away when she moved to a smaller apartment where her queen sized bed didn't fit. She would rather have one of our single bed thrown out just to have room for her bed! ugh! My dresser now have all her beauty products, used cotton balls, tweezers and mirror. My bathroom now is filed with all her shampoos, soaps of different kinds and glasses! My bathroom used to be clean, neat and bright. Not anymore. The window in the bathroom can no longer be closed because she has her staff hanging by it. That's why cockroaches have been entering the room! Hey as long as she has a place for her stuff right?! One of our cabinets have to be cleaned out so that she has room for her clothes! Every time I go home, I just feel frustrated that MY room welcomes me with so much mess and stuffs that aren't mine scattered everywhere. And we're only talking about my room here! The only untouched area of our house is my brother's room! The living room, library, storage room, my mom's, every room has her stuff in it! She actually made our house her very own storage room!!

The bum thing in all of this, at times, I have to sleep at 2am just so that she is sleeping already and I can watch tee-vee before going to bed. I sleep with lights off, but she can't and every time I close it, she complains! I can't be alone in my room! I can't have the doors locked and lie still in my bed cause someone'll be coming in and out, hanging inside the room. I would even be spending my privacy or solitude in my brother's room when he's not around cause I don't have my room for myself anymore.

My mom actually bought a home for my aunt, but she didn't want to live there. She's a city girl and doesn't want to live in the province. So my mom sold the house to someone else. Now my aunt is looking for a house in the city. I just think, with so little money and depending on other people (she gets monthly allowance to the father of my cousin), why does she have to be so picky and not be contented. Does she have to have glamour all the time? My mom saw a home up for rent near us, but my aunt was so fickle about it that they lost it to a buyer.

I've been wondering when the hell will she get out of our house?! I'm actually okay with my cousin staying with us. She's a good kid without her. I kinda pity my cousin at times when her mom's abusing her. My aunt can't seem to not shout talking with my cousin. And every little thing my cousin does would be met by harsh words or battering.

That's why I'm so thankful that I'm in a dormitory now. Even though I'm sharing it with three other girls, I have my own space! I don't hear anyone arguing, I don't hear anyone shouting or complaining. All the negativity my aunt brought to our home, I can no longer experience in the dorm. I want to spend my time with my family, but with her there, I get so annoyed, frustrated and angry that I'd rather be away and just come back when she moves out. Heck, I may be the one voicing this out publicly, but it's a fact that each and everyone in our home, has complaints about her.

Starting Again

New blog, new posts and no one reading it! This is how I like it. I like the solitude of my blog, writing everything I want to. No hesitations, no worrying what others might think, it's just me and my thoughts. I know I should have just bought a diary to make it more private, the internet is pretty much open to anyone, but it's much more easier to type than hand write it.

My first blog http://siyamnuwebenine.blogspot.com are being read by some of my family members. I guess it's my fault since I linked it to my facebook account. Now I seem to can't write anything there without being judged. I did write some pretty mean stuff about some of my family, but I can't help it when I'm frustrated or annoyed. Everyone feels that, they just don't write about it publicly I guess. I had the blog for a year and no one comments on it or reads it, that made me complacent. For sure no one in my family would even bother, or so I thought.

My cousin got the linked on my facebook account (learned my lesson), she read I guess maybe all of it, until she got to the post where I wrote mean stuff about my aunt. Then she told her mom about it, and her mom told her sister about it and they read it. They actually can't believe that I wrote those stuff. Then my cousin told my sister about that post. Then just this March, I and my sister had a fight, she told my mom and my aunt (the one who I wrote about) about that post. That's when I found out that they have been reading it. I was dumbstruck. The funny thing is, I didn't regret writing it, I regretted publicizing it!

Just a while ago, I wanted to write again about how annoyed I was at home. But I can't. With my previous blog, I don't have the luxury of being honest to myself. I would have sugar coated it but I want to use my own words without any facade. Just pure honest no matter how mean I would sound.

I don't know if I should delete my previous blog. It's been a year and a half since I started it and I had lots of posts there. I guess I'll think about it. For the meantime, it'll be just hanging around the net.

(decision: delete blog)