I'm on my forced dayoff. Meaning I'm not that tired yet to want this scheduled dayoff. I guess that's why I'm so restless today. There's something I want to do but I don't know what. So instead, I reread some of the romance books that I had with me. It really is nice to fall in love. It's nice to think about it, but I'm not sure if I want to really experience it. All the books I've read about love, always has a nice ending. Everyone living a happily ever after. But before they had their ending story, they had heartaches, martyrdom and sufferings. Some had to live a decade of disappointements and hardships. But sure, let's say it's all worth it since they still end up together. The end. Well it's not the end. The books never told the story of what happened 5, 10 or 20 years after. Did they REALLY end up happy, got divorced or cheated? We just assume they will. 
I have been cynical about love. With all the love stories I've read, instead of being hopeful, I became more questioning. The books are different from what really happens in real life. It's in the books what we crave for. It's the ideal love story everyone wants. But it's not that common in the human world. There may be some who gets lucky, one out of a million I think. The adoration in the eyes of the hero and heroin is not visible on the people who surrounds me. I've never seen anyone so in love that it radiates and makes them glow. It's all wishful thinking and I don't know if I want something less of what I've read from the books. I know I won't get something like that so it's all or nothing. I don't want a mediocre love.
I'm still in the quest of knowing myself. Before I can love someone else wholeheartedly, I have ti know whether I can. I have admitted to myself and to some that I really don't give a damn to a lot of people. Even to those who are close to me or even to some of my family memebers. There are times that I just don't feel anything. No worry, hate, anger, love, care.. I'm just simply apathetic. I can love you, but I can choose not to and I can choose anytime I want. It's like there's an off switch on my heart and I can turn it whenever I feel like it.
I've always like that ability. I find it useful. A friend of mine, have a crush on me, so he says, and he flirts with me. He wonders whether I though about the things he said to me and I told him I don't 'cause I'm used to it. I'm used to it because of the guys I hang out with are all flirts. Not because they like me that's why they're flirting, but because they just can. When I wasn't yet filled with cynicism, I'd fall for the flirtations of these guys. I'd expect, hope and respond to their flirtations. Then I'd realized that they do that to every girl they come across. It's not their fault if they're innately flirts, but the girls' inability to not see beyond the acts. To see only the things they wish and want to see and not comprehend the reason behind it. At least now, I'm a lot smarter, but it just made me more less caring about everything. One of the things I've realized though how flirting can also be a useful ability in my arsenal.
I have been cynical about love. With all the love stories I've read, instead of being hopeful, I became more questioning. The books are different from what really happens in real life. It's in the books what we crave for. It's the ideal love story everyone wants. But it's not that common in the human world. There may be some who gets lucky, one out of a million I think. The adoration in the eyes of the hero and heroin is not visible on the people who surrounds me. I've never seen anyone so in love that it radiates and makes them glow. It's all wishful thinking and I don't know if I want something less of what I've read from the books. I know I won't get something like that so it's all or nothing. I don't want a mediocre love.
I'm still in the quest of knowing myself. Before I can love someone else wholeheartedly, I have ti know whether I can. I have admitted to myself and to some that I really don't give a damn to a lot of people. Even to those who are close to me or even to some of my family memebers. There are times that I just don't feel anything. No worry, hate, anger, love, care.. I'm just simply apathetic. I can love you, but I can choose not to and I can choose anytime I want. It's like there's an off switch on my heart and I can turn it whenever I feel like it.
I've always like that ability. I find it useful. A friend of mine, have a crush on me, so he says, and he flirts with me. He wonders whether I though about the things he said to me and I told him I don't 'cause I'm used to it. I'm used to it because of the guys I hang out with are all flirts. Not because they like me that's why they're flirting, but because they just can. When I wasn't yet filled with cynicism, I'd fall for the flirtations of these guys. I'd expect, hope and respond to their flirtations. Then I'd realized that they do that to every girl they come across. It's not their fault if they're innately flirts, but the girls' inability to not see beyond the acts. To see only the things they wish and want to see and not comprehend the reason behind it. At least now, I'm a lot smarter, but it just made me more less caring about everything. One of the things I've realized though how flirting can also be a useful ability in my arsenal.
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