Never gonna be drunk again!

Confused, embarassed, disappointed, depressed, flabbergasted.. Tried to fly under the radar. Get in, get a decent grade, get out.. That's how it usually works for me..I don't stand out, I blend in. Know me now, Forget me later.. I like it like that and I hope to keep things that way... But all it takes is just one stupid night to change everything...

For 17 days, I have worked my butt off to get a decent evaluation from my preceptors. I studied every night and morning. Researched everything they told us that we should know. I had some sleepless nights trying to read all my reference books just to get the right answer. I had a good ride. Between the three of us ICTs, I would say I'm average. I'm not the best or the worst. I'm just okay. Being okay can give me the grade that I need. I tend to do more by being assertive, independent and friendly. But looks like I shouldn't have tried so hard.

My being assertive, wanting to do everything that I should be doing anyways lead them to think I'm too overconfident. Independent asking them not to help or assist me lead them to think I'm too proud. Being friendly to my senior staff nurses lead them to think I'm a flirt. Yes! Good Job! Three days left of my ICT and I did something stupid.

Actually all those things that happened, happened in one day only. One day and everything comes crumbling down. It was tuesday night and I and Tons were invited by our senior staff nurses for a drink. We got wasted so much that our Charge Nurses learned about it. It was okay. They were just going to remind us not to drink to much the next time. But tomorrow after, I had a major hangover, that I wasn't feeling well while on duty. At least Tons had his day off that time, but me?! I wanted to vomit every 15 minutes. I had a hard time standing up because I'd get dizzy. My head was throbbing like mad and I didn't eat anything because of an upset stomach. It was such a bad day to work but I had to. I had no choice. My chance of doing the right thing ended when I started drinking non-stop the night before. That's when all things wrong happened.

Sir Carlo, a senior staff nurse, was blamed for the drunken night. He kept saying sorry to me and I was totally cool with it. It wasn't really a big deal since all the charged nurse knew was that we got drunk and not wasted to the point of me vomiting everywhere. But looks like Sir Carlo didn't hold his mouth telling them I was puking a lot! Now, they think I'm a flirt because they caught me and Sir Carlo leaving the ward early and having a burger. I left early because I wasn't feeling well. But I got my job done right? I wasn't like some of them, getting nonpermitted absences just because.. I came, did my job and left. What they said, I should've waited for them to finish the endorsement. I didn't know that!!! C'mon! It was also Sir Carlo who insisted to accompany me in buying something to eat. I didn't eat for that whole day except for a cup noodles for dinner. Looks like I'm the talk of the ward now anyways.. Everyone kept asking me if I'm alright. If how am I doing. It's so frustrating. Better make myself more "blendable" than before.

One thing I know for sure:
1. I should apologize to ma'am Mae without trying to defend my actions. Just be humble and admit my mistake.
2.I better stay away from Sir Carlo without looking as if I'm really avoiding him.
3. Forget everything that happened and what will happen.
4. That'll be the last time I'll get drunk ever!

I just hope that I'll still end up with a job at San Juan de Dios after this. Really don't know if I still want to end up at San Juan Unit.

Hopeless Romantic-Cynic-Flirt

I'm on my forced dayoff. Meaning I'm not that tired yet to want this scheduled dayoff. I guess that's why I'm so restless today. There's something I want to do but I don't know what. So instead, I reread some of the romance books that I had with me. It really is nice to fall in love. It's nice to think about it, but I'm not sure if I want to really experience it. All the books I've read about love, always has a nice ending. Everyone living a happily ever after. But before they had their ending story, they had heartaches, martyrdom and sufferings. Some had to live a decade of disappointements and hardships. But sure, let's say it's all worth it since they still end up together. The end. Well it's not the end. The books never told the story of what happened 5, 10 or 20 years after. Did they REALLY end up happy, got divorced or cheated? We just assume they will.

I have been cynical about love. With all the love stories I've read, instead of being hopeful, I became more questioning. The books are different from what really happens in real life. It's in the books what we crave for. It's the ideal love story everyone wants. But it's not that common in the human world. There may be some who gets lucky, one out of a million I think. The adoration in the eyes of the hero and heroin is not visible on the people who surrounds me. I've never seen anyone so in love that it radiates and makes them glow. It's all wishful thinking and I don't know if I want something less of what I've read from the books. I know I won't get something like that so it's all or nothing. I don't want a mediocre love.

I'm still in the quest of knowing myself. Before I can love someone else wholeheartedly, I have ti know whether I can. I have admitted to myself and to some that I really don't give a damn to a lot of people. Even to those who are close to me or even to some of my family memebers. There are times that I just don't feel anything. No worry, hate, anger, love, care.. I'm just simply apathetic. I can love you, but I can choose not to and I can choose anytime I want. It's like there's an off switch on my heart and I can turn it whenever I feel like it.

I've always like that ability. I find it useful. A friend of mine, have a crush on me, so he says, and he flirts with me. He wonders whether I though about the things he said to me and I told him I don't 'cause I'm used to it. I'm used to it because of the guys I hang out with are all flirts. Not because they like me that's why they're flirting, but because they just can. When I wasn't yet filled with cynicism, I'd fall for the flirtations of these guys. I'd expect, hope and respond to their flirtations. Then I'd realized that they do that to every girl they come across. It's not their fault if they're innately flirts, but the girls' inability to not see beyond the acts. To see only the things they wish and want to see and not comprehend the reason behind it. At least now, I'm a lot smarter, but it just made me more less caring about everything. One of the things I've realized though how flirting can also be a useful ability in my arsenal.