It all started with long hours of phone calls. We usually stay up all night talking and flirting. From endearments to planning "what ifs". We played with the idea that when I turned 26, no questions asked, we'll find each other and it'll be just him and me from thereon.
Then one night, he couldn't help himself and told me that he loves me. My heart beat so fast and I can't breath. That moment I was flattered but I was confused whether the feeling of tachycardia was due to him saying he loves me; or me thinking that I should say "I love you to" because that's what he expects (and me a people pleaser will sure to give in); or just plainly tempted to keep him wanting more. But still I told him that "I love you too". But I wasn't really sure, I kept it to myself. He was happy.
Christmas eve, we had our first kiss. He asked for it, and me having no experience and enjoyed the idea that "wow, I might get my first kiss now" having waited so long agreed. I was excited but a coward still and asked him to get me drunk just a little bit. He complied and I kissed him. the problem with girls expecting for so long for their first kiss is that you imagined them to be so heart stopping, earth shattering that you can't breath because of such high. It didn't feel that way. I immediately thought that there was something wrong. So we tried again. He wasn't a great kisser (at the age of 24 he only gave smacks to 2 girls) but consider that he was inexperienced and so am I. After 2, 3, 4 more kisses, he got better and I got more interested.
It's been more than a month since we started flirting and we've done more than kissing (sex not included or any X rated stuff). But the feeling is still the same. I'm still not sure if I love him.I tried to break it off even though we're in not a relationship, just "enjoying", but he didn't want to and even beg me that we could figure things out. One thing I love about our situation is that we talk. We're open to each other and he knows that sometimes I don't feel anything for him. I know I'm cruel saying that I'm using him as a training ground. Here is someone who I'm willing to kiss without any attachments or expectations. I can do whatever I want with him. He's my senior but I'm the boss.
Stupid as I am, I don't want to hurt him...
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