What am I feeling?

I did mention in one of my updates that I think I'm falling in love with my senior. With some flirting, holding hands, kissing and groping i'm not sure if i'm really in love with him.

It all started with long hours of phone calls. We usually stay up all night talking and flirting. From endearments to planning "what ifs". We played with the idea that when I turned 26, no questions asked, we'll find each other and it'll be just him and me from thereon.

Then one night, he couldn't help himself and told me that he loves me. My heart beat so fast and I can't breath. That moment I was flattered but I was confused whether the feeling of tachycardia was due to him saying he loves me; or me thinking that I should say "I love you to" because that's what he expects (and me a people pleaser will sure to give in); or just plainly tempted to keep him wanting more. But still I told him that "I love you too". But I wasn't really sure, I kept it to myself. He was happy.

Christmas eve, we had our first kiss. He asked for it, and me having no experience and enjoyed the idea that "wow, I might get my first kiss now" having waited so long agreed. I was excited but a coward still and asked him to get me drunk just a little bit. He complied and I kissed him. the problem with girls expecting for so long for their first kiss is that you imagined them to be so heart stopping, earth shattering that you can't breath because of such high. It didn't feel that way. I immediately thought that there was something wrong. So we tried again. He wasn't a great kisser (at the age of 24 he only gave smacks to 2 girls) but consider that he was inexperienced and so am I. After 2, 3, 4 more kisses, he got better and I got more interested.

It's been more than a month since we started flirting and we've done more than kissing (sex not included or any X rated stuff). But the feeling is still the same. I'm still not sure if I love him.I tried to break it off even though we're in not a relationship, just "enjoying", but he didn't want to and even beg me that we could figure things out. One thing I love about our situation is that we talk. We're open to each other and he knows that sometimes I don't feel anything for him. I know I'm cruel saying that I'm using him as a training ground. Here is someone who I'm willing to kiss without any attachments or expectations. I can do whatever I want with him. He's my senior but I'm the boss.

Stupid as I am, I don't want to hurt him...

UPDATES

It's been 2-3 months since my last post so this is a summary of what happened to me within those months:

1. I'm now a probationary nurse at San Juan Unit (Medical Ward) at San Juan de Dios together with Tons, Daniel and a newcomer from ER, Carlo. Two more probationary nurse from my ICT batch will come in on November 1.

2. I had two Incident Reports (IRs): Under dose of Insulin and wrong documentation of a medication given

3. I have a cellphone plan that permits me to have unlimited calls and texts which I pay p600 every month.

4. I am now earning at least p4,300 to p9,000 per month

5. Angel and I are still not in speaking terms

6. I was Top 8 of our ICT ranking! Tons was Top 5. The Top 10 of our batch will be evaluated during their probationary period to know who will be placed at the ICU. (hopefully not me)

7. I think I'm falling on my senior co-worker

Never gonna be drunk again!

Confused, embarassed, disappointed, depressed, flabbergasted.. Tried to fly under the radar. Get in, get a decent grade, get out.. That's how it usually works for me..I don't stand out, I blend in. Know me now, Forget me later.. I like it like that and I hope to keep things that way... But all it takes is just one stupid night to change everything...

For 17 days, I have worked my butt off to get a decent evaluation from my preceptors. I studied every night and morning. Researched everything they told us that we should know. I had some sleepless nights trying to read all my reference books just to get the right answer. I had a good ride. Between the three of us ICTs, I would say I'm average. I'm not the best or the worst. I'm just okay. Being okay can give me the grade that I need. I tend to do more by being assertive, independent and friendly. But looks like I shouldn't have tried so hard.

My being assertive, wanting to do everything that I should be doing anyways lead them to think I'm too overconfident. Independent asking them not to help or assist me lead them to think I'm too proud. Being friendly to my senior staff nurses lead them to think I'm a flirt. Yes! Good Job! Three days left of my ICT and I did something stupid.

Actually all those things that happened, happened in one day only. One day and everything comes crumbling down. It was tuesday night and I and Tons were invited by our senior staff nurses for a drink. We got wasted so much that our Charge Nurses learned about it. It was okay. They were just going to remind us not to drink to much the next time. But tomorrow after, I had a major hangover, that I wasn't feeling well while on duty. At least Tons had his day off that time, but me?! I wanted to vomit every 15 minutes. I had a hard time standing up because I'd get dizzy. My head was throbbing like mad and I didn't eat anything because of an upset stomach. It was such a bad day to work but I had to. I had no choice. My chance of doing the right thing ended when I started drinking non-stop the night before. That's when all things wrong happened.

Sir Carlo, a senior staff nurse, was blamed for the drunken night. He kept saying sorry to me and I was totally cool with it. It wasn't really a big deal since all the charged nurse knew was that we got drunk and not wasted to the point of me vomiting everywhere. But looks like Sir Carlo didn't hold his mouth telling them I was puking a lot! Now, they think I'm a flirt because they caught me and Sir Carlo leaving the ward early and having a burger. I left early because I wasn't feeling well. But I got my job done right? I wasn't like some of them, getting nonpermitted absences just because.. I came, did my job and left. What they said, I should've waited for them to finish the endorsement. I didn't know that!!! C'mon! It was also Sir Carlo who insisted to accompany me in buying something to eat. I didn't eat for that whole day except for a cup noodles for dinner. Looks like I'm the talk of the ward now anyways.. Everyone kept asking me if I'm alright. If how am I doing. It's so frustrating. Better make myself more "blendable" than before.

One thing I know for sure:
1. I should apologize to ma'am Mae without trying to defend my actions. Just be humble and admit my mistake.
2.I better stay away from Sir Carlo without looking as if I'm really avoiding him.
3. Forget everything that happened and what will happen.
4. That'll be the last time I'll get drunk ever!

I just hope that I'll still end up with a job at San Juan de Dios after this. Really don't know if I still want to end up at San Juan Unit.

Hopeless Romantic-Cynic-Flirt

I'm on my forced dayoff. Meaning I'm not that tired yet to want this scheduled dayoff. I guess that's why I'm so restless today. There's something I want to do but I don't know what. So instead, I reread some of the romance books that I had with me. It really is nice to fall in love. It's nice to think about it, but I'm not sure if I want to really experience it. All the books I've read about love, always has a nice ending. Everyone living a happily ever after. But before they had their ending story, they had heartaches, martyrdom and sufferings. Some had to live a decade of disappointements and hardships. But sure, let's say it's all worth it since they still end up together. The end. Well it's not the end. The books never told the story of what happened 5, 10 or 20 years after. Did they REALLY end up happy, got divorced or cheated? We just assume they will.

I have been cynical about love. With all the love stories I've read, instead of being hopeful, I became more questioning. The books are different from what really happens in real life. It's in the books what we crave for. It's the ideal love story everyone wants. But it's not that common in the human world. There may be some who gets lucky, one out of a million I think. The adoration in the eyes of the hero and heroin is not visible on the people who surrounds me. I've never seen anyone so in love that it radiates and makes them glow. It's all wishful thinking and I don't know if I want something less of what I've read from the books. I know I won't get something like that so it's all or nothing. I don't want a mediocre love.

I'm still in the quest of knowing myself. Before I can love someone else wholeheartedly, I have ti know whether I can. I have admitted to myself and to some that I really don't give a damn to a lot of people. Even to those who are close to me or even to some of my family memebers. There are times that I just don't feel anything. No worry, hate, anger, love, care.. I'm just simply apathetic. I can love you, but I can choose not to and I can choose anytime I want. It's like there's an off switch on my heart and I can turn it whenever I feel like it.

I've always like that ability. I find it useful. A friend of mine, have a crush on me, so he says, and he flirts with me. He wonders whether I though about the things he said to me and I told him I don't 'cause I'm used to it. I'm used to it because of the guys I hang out with are all flirts. Not because they like me that's why they're flirting, but because they just can. When I wasn't yet filled with cynicism, I'd fall for the flirtations of these guys. I'd expect, hope and respond to their flirtations. Then I'd realized that they do that to every girl they come across. It's not their fault if they're innately flirts, but the girls' inability to not see beyond the acts. To see only the things they wish and want to see and not comprehend the reason behind it. At least now, I'm a lot smarter, but it just made me more less caring about everything. One of the things I've realized though how flirting can also be a useful ability in my arsenal.

Medical Ward

It's been a week and my body's sore and I hurt all over. But it's a good hurt, not because I'm a masochist but because it tells me that I had a fulfilling week. So my ranting about fate choosing my area of training could be a little off. Nothing happens by chance. I'm now assigned to the medical ward, San Juan Unit. The 33.3% probability of me training there was dead on. Statistics haven't failed me yet. I'm working with two nice guys. I mean 1 nice guy and 1 nice gay. LOL Yeah, we're a good team and we love helping each other and our enthusiasm for learning is evident. Couldn't have asked for better co-trainees. There's Daniel, the gay one. He's very obsessive compulsive, making our work more neat, organized and eye friendly. Then there's Tons who's so smart, so if ever we don't know anything, he helps us out. Then me. I guess what I can contribute to the team is that I'm a fast worker and being a graduate of San Juan de Dios College, I'm familiar with the whole set up. Well that's just according to me. Don't know what those two think.

I learned a lot specially when it comes to the rationale and relationships of the medicines given to the patient. I admire all of my senior staff nurses there. They seem to know everything, about the condition of the patient and the reasons behind everything they do. The medical ward is a good place for someone like me who wants to make sense out of everything. Hopefully I would get a chance to be deployed there. There's only one vacancy for that unit though. Sad really. We're hoping we're all getting deployed there. For now, I guess, I have 35% chances of getting in, Tons have 45% and Daniel 20%. But that's me talking again.

But I'm kinda worried now. I did something without telling my preceptors hoping that they'll miss it. Though I doubt it. We had an expired patient and I confusingly put another patient's vital signs on her chart. The 12pm column shouldn't have any readings but there it is. I was suppose to replace the sheet but there were already a lot of readings there, it might be too confusing and I might get some wrong. Hopefully it's okay since the patient already died, but questions could still be raised on how she had normal vital signs on the time of her death. Except of course for her respirations which have been abnormal since the morning. At least I got that one right. ugh... Hopefully tomorrow Monday, all is forgotten, or unnoticed and I could resume a worry free time forever again in San Juan de Dios.

So if ever they found out, I guess my chances will drop to to 30%, then Tons will have now 47.5% and Daniel 22.5%. *sigh

Give me a Heart of Stone

I don’t know how to start this post. There had been a lot of things going through my mind now for the last 3 hours. Different emotions coursing through my system and I wish I was that heartless in order not to feel anything.

Heartbroken. Me and my youngest sister are in no speaking terms for the last 3 months. All because during our verbal fight she told me that I wasn’t a good sister (I guess I’m the only one who knows how much I tried to be the best). I’m inadequate and to think that I was very fond of her, I thought of all of them, she should be the one to notice it. So the hurt was much greater and being me, I withdrawn. That’s how I cope when I’m hurt. I pretend that that person who hurt me doesn’t exist. I don’t talk to them or acknowledge their presence. That way, they won’t have the chance to hurt me the second time. It’s very easy for me to do. Since I don’t mind being alone. In my sister’s case, I just gave her what she complains about. She said she envied her friends’ sisters. Fine then, she can have them for a sister if I’m not enough.

Shock. Before our fight, I’ve always thought of my youngest sister as innocent, fun loving, care free and childish. That’s why I always wanted to help her, give her support and advices. When my mom had enough of her dancing, I was there supporting her and reasoning with

my mom. Then during our fight, I saw a different person. She was—I don’t know how to describe it. She’s just opposite of everything I thought and loved about her. It’s like I was looking at a person who I don’t know! After that, I can’t figure out what to make of the impression I have of her now. The fun loving, childish, innocent and care free girl I know is no more. Who’s this person?! When I see her now, all I see is a facade.

Anger. This is for the person who I loathe in our home. Who else but my aunt! She’s really not good at consoling anyone or make things right. She’s like this foul smelling gas that you when you put in a fire, you’ll just make it bigger. When my mom found out that me and my youngest sister were not speaking to each other she got angry and even threatened us to pack our staff and leave the house (I’m not afraid). So my mom can’t figure out why’s my attitud

e’s like that. This wasn’t the first time I didn’t speak to anyone. There was my other sister and cousin. I didn’t speak to them for one whole year in two different times. What my aunt said was have my mom let me speak to a psychiatrist! Are you fucking kidding me you stupid idiot?! I’m not a mental case you waste of space! I was really offended by that. When I tried to explain my attitude to my mom, she doesn’t hear any of it. She already made up her mind that I’m awful so she always says that I shouldn’t be like this or like that instead of understanding me.

Pride. I really felt awful and bad about making my mom cry tonight. I’m sure I’l

l make up for it in the future. I can’t guarantee that she won’t have any heartaches or disappointments when it comes to me but I’ll sure try my best to avoid it. Anyway, I’m a proud person. I’m a cry baby and everyone knows that. I’m not ashamed to admit it but when it comes to confrontations I hate crying that’s why I stay quiet instead and let my silence do the talking. When I have a cool head, that’s when I open up. I cried when I and my youngest sister argued, I cried when my mom scolded us. But this time, I tried not crying even though my mom crying put it on a close call. Instead, I thought about what I’m going to wear tomorrow. Me looking indifferent at that time may have justified my mom calling me awful and evil and having a heart of stone. She did call me heartless. Should I rejoice?

Shame. One of my aunt texted me “Is there anything wrong? U can talk to me.” I appreciate the concern but it was so unnecessary. I love it that my mom gets the chance to unload her ill feelings towards me by talking to my aunt. For sure, my aunt wouldn’t know about me having a problem if my mom didn’t VOLUNTARILY confide in her. At least my mom won’t be feeling the same as I am. Now for sure, the word will spread that I’m the devil sister, the cold one, the one who doesn’t speak to whom she’s angry even if it’s her sisters/cousin. I’ll be the talk of the family!

All my feelings, have been unburdened by this blog and to some close friends who doesn’t judge me. They’re the ones who I can talk to about this kind of stuff. It should be my family but they’re not open to seeing the bad side of anyone. Just like me getting a shock when I saw the other side of my sister. Maybe that’s the reason why my youngest sister had a boyfriend behind everyone’s back and didn’t have the guts to tell it to us. Or why my brother keeps a dark secret (just found out unexpectedly last month). Wonder what my other sister keeps from us?

Success through Failure (hopefully)

I have considered myself as a “passer”. I may not be a top notcher when it comes to exams of any kind but I have no problems in passing. So I’m just your average girl, someone who never fails, but at the same time, someone who’s also not an achiever. My grades blend well among others. It never stood out whether for wrong reasons or right ones. It’s just there.

Though my grades are ok, I was satisfied with it. I did t

ake my board exam once, passed my IELTS after one take and I did graduate on time. I have always thought that I know I can be more or that I could excel but I chose not to. That’s how smug I am. I’m always the best every first chances. During every first semester in college, I excelled in every exam. My name at times always gets called for having the highest grade. But after awhile, when I’ve already established that I am smart, I tend to fall back and blend. My grades from excellent will now turn to mediocre. That’s because I know that if I want to, I can be #1.

Now that I’m having my training at San Juan de Dios along 87 other people, having the better grades is a must! It has become a competition. They’re looking for the “cream of the crop”. There is an 80% mark that we all should achieve or above it in order to get in. Else, it’s time to find another hospital. Being a San Juan de Dios College graduate, I knew it’s going be a piece of cake! I knew everything about the hospital, heck I’ve spent 2 and a half years of my clinical exposure there.

But looks like I have to work extra hard. I have failed lots of my exams and It’s not like me since (1) I know that I’m a passer but I don’t even settle f9r the boarder line grade. (2) New people, new instructors, new environment, I should be impressing people by now! Looks like I have to learn humility and the importance of hard work now.

During my first week, I have to admit that I had a poor attention span because of my withdrawal case of Casey James. My head’s up in the clouds and I day dream most of the time. But during one major exam, I did study overnight but nothing-I failed. My excuse for that time was that I was so used to treating multiple choice types of questions like it’s a puzzle. Looking for clues why an option is wrong (a technique to learn to pass board exams) instead of understanding the question head on. We did an exam now about drug dosage computations and I’m so good at that during college! I consider myself as a mathematician, I love numbers, how they add up and how the formulas make sense. But again-failed!

Even though I’m frustrated and disappointed, I know I have to set that aside and think positively. Hopefully writing all it here in my blog will help me move on. I just have to study harder and shouldn’t take this opportunity lightly just because I’m a graduate of the hospital’s college. I should work double time since I have been idle for one year. I know all of these failures will be my tools in building a bridge to my path.